How I came to be as I am

There once was a time when I had every freedom to do and think whatever I wanted. Childhood.

There came a point when I realised I was a force of annoyance in social situations. I did not care, though. And then, there was the point when I realised that I had an opportunity to deepen my understanding of things, at which point I felt it would behoove me to become more aware and understanding of my fellow human beings. I did so.

There was something of the idea of God in all of this. I was raised entirely in church. It began with an occasional feeling that I shouldn't do and be quite exactly what and who I was doing and being. It eventually progressed enough to convince me that I really needed to do what I could do to satisfy the inner demand. Some rather bold people would call this the work of the Holy Spirit, and would refuse to consider alternative possibilities. Some people might think it the work of said spirit at first, and then stop a moment to listen to my experience, out of curiosity. I suppose it doesn't much matter in any case.

I'm probably a deist. I think Jesus was probably who he said he was. I probably think he has the right to decide what is good for mankind; I think that nobody on earth has that right. I have chosen the sidelines, in a sense, because of the stupid things that are going on in the game. All sides of all issues act stupid in some sense or another. I often identify with the dwarves of the last battle; the dwarves are for the dwarves. It suits me.

Poorly written writing. It suits me, as well.

If you build it, they will come?

Certain happenings have brought about certain thoughts. Firstly, I've been playing sudoku. Secondly, I've been encouraged to write a blog post about my friend's recent musical endeavours. As I sit and think about how to write said blog, I've found myself seeing sudoku numbers. It seems that I'm really very bad at organisation. In sudoku, you are given a certain number of definites. The rest are infinites; well, they seem that way anyhow-- in truth, they are also definites, but you don't know what they are yet. It's just this sort of thing that baffles me to no end, every day, as I live my life. Had I never begun to play sudoku, I might never have been able to see the problem so clearly. It also affects my songwriting, viz. it actually freezes my brain and I lose focus entirely and cannot ever seem to get anything done.

I sit here, now, and the members of my mind reconvene on the matter of my consciousness and on that of possible futures. Thoughts-- inspired thoughts-- no, feelings, in truth-- feelings are definites. I'm not sure of the extent to which my natural progression of thought is productive. Should I, indeed, stop and consider each definite [feeling], giving each one full focus, to see if the definite will produce another definite, as in sudoku? Or shall I continue with my sometime-organised, sometime-disorganised flow? Even that question could be considered an infinite, by me, by me, with such a lack of knowledge, by myself, an uninitiate... life's game is played on such a large board.