A state, a state, a state, and a state. But where the state of mind I'm trying to get to.
It hinges on acceptance from the exterior.
Belief on the interior, acceptance from the exterior.
There is just mindless interaction with the world,
and then there is purposeful interaction.
I'll drag myself back to this hill, because, where else am I if I go elsewhere?
I cannot convince myself of the arguments others throw at me.
You argue at me, and I think, "gee, sure would be nice to agree"
but then, nope.
People, people, people, everywhere. Stop. Stop. And then continue.
Personal rejection of external valuations, where external valuations are a hindrance.
God dammit, but if I could just stop the world's telling me things.
A day, a day, a month, a year, and then a recoup.
It's just the moment, it's always the moment, and words come and go quickly, and whether or not they fit the moment, then whether or not they last, seem to be two different things. Two different qualities.
Then, I could complain at the moment, tell the moment that it is all wrong.
Unhappiness necessitates a certain madness.
God dammit, though. I'm building a sandcastle.
Children, on a beach. Just like that. Not my favourite way to trail into a new idea. From the obvious, to the obvious. Not my favourite way to speak. WORTH NOTING.
worth noting that I am unhappy. worth noting.
No, of course it means nothing to you. No. No, of course it means nothing to you.
I'll be aggressive, but it's childsplay. It's just a running about the everyplace.
Being good necessitates a being acceptable. No, poor.
Postulate, I postulate that she cares, somehow, and that changes the scope of things. Then, I postulate that I am wrong, and that changes it again. If she cares then I am right in proceeding to care back. If she does not care, then I am silly, or wrong, in proceeding to care. Fact.
Situation to situation, moment to moment. Always. Always. Changes. Scenery, peoples. Whoever, whatever, moods around me, then moods I'm in. Always. Always. Changes everything.
Feel like I'm flinging a flimsy blade at a solid bunch of facts. Who's fault is that? [wait] where did fault come into play? It's simply the state of affairs. Simply the state of affairs.
Nobody, everybody, some people. Then who. Candy daisy filaments and food. Filaments and food. Embrace the stupidity of statements. Embrace the lack of meaning in poetic sounding nonsense. Call valuable that which is not inherently valuable. I define. I define. I define.
I define.
God dammit, but how am I to respond when I'm all having a good old time at a family spot. And someone catches wind that I'm doing something a-regular, I mean sort of off my rocker, and they begin to have this cautious tone, like, "wait a minuute.." and then, well, HEY, man. this is life. this is life, this disagreement. you aren't right, nor am I the god of all creation. stop it. stop caring. i mean stop it.
ReplyDeletenot caring. don't stop caring. don't stop being yourself. just stop affecting me like that. why do I catch tones? why do I catch these things.
Especially when I respect your position. But then you take a tone with me. A "hey, wait a minute" tone. A "alright, huh, I think I've seen this before, and what you're doing is a bad idea" tone— oh gee thanks! man… man. man? man. Well what the fuck am I supposed to do. Be you? Mm? Your gotdamn way of seeing things is different. So your experience of god may be slightly different than mine. Ever consider that? I mean geegahd. and then. man. why does it get complicated after that? Why can't it simply be, "hey wait a minute. you know what, nevermind", no no, instead it's "welll, yeah, we're different people and all, but I still have my opinion", that tone. And gee golly, gee willikers. Just stop having such a negative affect on my ability to think.
So. Right. They want me to, what, agree? that god is something? regardless of evidence? or, wait. it gets better. they want me to want god, more than I want anything else. they want me to be like, "oh hey, everything, you're not really all that important", and MAN, but I can sure do that SORT of sometimes, but, you want me to stay there? Do you know how torturous that is?
I mean what the fuck. Really. You're going to slap rules on the thing? Consistency? That sort of thing? God is such and such type of thing/experience. Best not to pursue him by running after lovely ladies. Best to pursue him directly. Gee thanks, man. Like that was ever feasible.
ReplyDeleteHere, let me call up this old or perpetually young fellow, on this imaginary phone, and talk to him like he's not an imaginary old or perpetually young fellow. Like I believe in him for some goddamned reason. Oh! But, right. It's not for a reason. It's reasonless. You want me to call up this guy, on the phone, because I believe he exists, simply because I believe it, except that I currently DON't, but don't let THAT stop you, by all means, call him up…
ReplyDeleteI'll just invent a god I don't want, to have somebody to talk to about this shit. But, why the hell does it have to be an old or perpetually young fellow. Might as well be a donkey in a tree or something. I mean, if I'm just gonna believe in him for shit-knows no reason.
And then, they tell ME, as if to tell themselves, that I just won't know until I know. Gee……
and then, they say, "seek" with my "heart", but then, I'm not sure if we really use the word "seek" or "heart" the same, so it's just like, "hello! there, foreigner. what's that? a rather large tabby cat just bit off your left butt cheek! well that's marvellous!"
but honestly, should I even TRY to decipher what they REALLY MEAN by "seek" and "heart"?
I MEAN.
I mean.
I could shut the fuck up. I could shut up. I could hide in a corner someplace. I could follow this unpredictable, unlovely voice inside, that says silly things. I mean, if it's all there is that isn't me. But I think I invented the voice, set up something as the antithesis of everything I would ever want to do, and then pushed play, and wondered why it was always so random. Cut off my penis. Great one, there, god. Now THERE's a god. But hey, who am I to say, right? Because everything else I've ever thought about or felt was actually bullshit. The whole of my experience, a piece of worthless balogna. And all I have is this creepy, difficult notion that there is some sort of inner voice that I don't want to follow, along with a strong desire to actually do something right with my life for once. But somehow, when the two come together, it isn't harmonious, it's just, an awkward, sort of brutally awkward actually, just, plopping of myself wherever I am, and thinking, "but, but, but, but, but" continually, forever. It's like, who am I to judge? but if that voice is god, I'm not sure I want to believe. actually I'm preeetty much positive that I don't want to.
Who has the road to heaven? I'm not so focused on heaven. More on the good life. But, I want life to be so good, it's like heaven. Hah. See? I'm impossible. Shit. This really is a big thing to try to make happen. It doesn't always look that big, but it actually is, it's really, really, really, really big and impossible.
ReplyDeleteJust fucking stop telling me I can't do it. I can do it. I can do it how I like, because I want to, very badly, and you never wanted it so badly.
ReplyDeleteI mean, bringing GOD into this. That's what fucked me up several years ago. But no no, I suppose I shouldn't learn from my experience?
ReplyDeleteHmm… from heartache, to seeking god, to BL-BLAM. black hole depression.
that wasn't what you predicted, was it?
I'm never what you predicted.
Stop predicting my life for me. My dreams predict my life. My dreams predict my life. My dreams. I define. I define.
It's like these people postulate a god who has great plans for them, because they can't fucking dream for themselves. Well what the hey, man. I can dream pretty darn big. Telling me that god has great dreams for me, just complicates the matter. Whose dreams are better? I'm left to wonder. To try and make the two concepts agree. I dream, God dreams. I dream, God dreams. I have evidence of my dreams, and their positive effect on me. And then I finally get some confidence together, to run off and try to pursue a dream of mine, and BL-BLAM, it's not all that terrible. But then, it's not perfect either. And this mentality, the "God coulda done it better" thing, just creeps into the crevices, because you're sitting there staring at me, criticising my life according to your holy book. God DAMMIT. quit.
ReplyDeleteGod coulda done it better? Shit right, if there was one.
ReplyDeleteAnd anyhow, if there IS one, do you think he gives a shit about my words? Or, you know, any of this bickering we do? Just stop having this effect on me, I refuse to give you the advantage, although I accept that you're probably more stuck in your state of mind than I've ever been stuck in black hole depression. I can get out of depression. Because I can refuse to consider your state of mind.
I mean I have TOTALLY enough on my plate, trying to figure out how my state of mind fits in with the actual state of the world. How to use my mind, to change my state, to mirror the world, to reciprocate its needs, to set up a common currency, that sort of thing. So that I can actually relate to people. But, sigh, dammit, it's so tough to deal with religion… and I don't even hate religion for religion's sake. I don't mind it. I like religious people. I like the people, and I like that they have their beliefs. And I like to see how their beliefs might compare with mine, because it's interesting. But. I seem to need to define my own beliefs.
ReplyDeleteAlso, yes, this blog is a total worthless sack of shit journal, basically.
ReplyDeleteBoy, it sure was fun to say that last part. I enjoyed that. And like when I can enjoy saying something. I love to enjoy saying things.
ReplyDeleteHOLISTIC.
ReplyDelete